I woke up this AM with tears streaming down my face. When I awoke, I was in the middle of a horrible dream, a nightmare. And in my dream I was crying, and in my awake state I cried as well. I've noticed since the start of taking my medicine that nightmares now frequent my dreams. It feels like the medicine stabilizes me in the day, and haunts me at night. Providing me with unimaginable terror while I sleep. I jumped up quickly out of bed to avoid the BF from seeing the tears and headed straight into the on suite bathroom, closing the door behind me and fumbling in the dark. I sat there on the toilet, crying. Crying from my dream, crying over my fear, crying from my lack of control over my own emotions. Once I was calm, I re-entered the room, kissed my BF on his still sleeping head and headed out to the brightness of the morning. The sun hurt my eyes as I made my way to my sleeping child; reassuring myself she was okay, still sound asleep in her bed. The mood from the morning grayed the rest of my day. I cried off and on all day, tears being cathartic, it seemed to help.
Now I lie on my couch in my modern, cool apartment with its beautiful views from the 7th floor and feel disconnected and lonely again. The BF is at his 2nd job, necessary to move us back home in 7 months. The child is in her room, doing her pre-teen thing. I feel alone. And yet, I feel calm. I stare out my floor to ceiling windows and ponder the blessings I have, the lovely home, the supportive BF, the amazing child, the great job. Why isnt this enough for me to feel okay? Why am I stressed still? Why am I worried? I no longer know and I desperately try to understand the maze of my own thoughts. Will I ever be happy? Will I ever feel loved and understood? Or is the human condition to feel alone? Or is it just mine. I'm hopeful tonight will provide restful sleep, yet I fear it. I'm hopeful tomorrow will be a good day, where the little black voice is easy to ignore and I can smile and laugh. I'm hopeful.
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